I took the plunge yesterday and went to my first behavioural optometry session. It was painfully expensive ….. I feel ridiculously cheated by the system. Not only am I paying EUR700 for health insurance in Germany which is no use to me, I am also paying into the NHS system. Both of which refuse to help me! So then I must pay the same again to see a private practitioner! And obviously I am not earning much money while I am stuck in dizzy-hell. You begin to feel very disheartened….. it appears if there isn’t an obvious physical problem, you are not important enough to be considered. The whole thing just makes you want to delete yourself so you are no longer a burden and having to deal with all of this on your own.
The behavioural optometry session showed one thing for certain – I definitely have a problem. I spend so much time beating myself up, it is MY fault I feel like this, my fault I am dizzy, nauseous etc. If I were just a stronger person, this wouldn’t be a problem. I go through stages of things like “if I exercise like a maniac that will fix it” “if I remove all sugar, chocolate, alcohol etc. from my diet that will fix it” “if I stop using a computer completely, give up any ideas of pursuing my chosen career and become something outdoors based, that will fix it”. I force myself all the time to follow as much of a normal life as possible, and to hide it from people, because I’m sure they don’t want to hear me bang on about feeling sick. So then when someone actually acknowledges that it is a real problem, I feel overwhelmed.
The initial assessment took around 3 hours. It was completely exhausting and gruelling for such a simple set of repetitive exercises. I can’t remember the exact exercises … but I can remember the ones that made me feel the worst!
First one relates to something called the “Moro Reflex” which I obviously had never heard of. Apparetly this is a reflex we have from birth, but then remove pretty quickly. Reading the list of things that happen when you have a retained Moro reflex into adulthood, it pretty much describes my entire adult life! Here is a little bit of background reading:
And the exercise you want to be doing to combat this is something called a Starfish!
So needless to say rolling around on the floor pretending to be a starfish made me feel pretty damn lousy!
There were lots of other great vomit inducing exercises too …. but the one I remember as the worst was the spinning chair.
Which seemed to be a slight variation on this test.
Now I have some homework (pretending to be a starfish) and some eye rolling business.
I’d like to say I was feeling vaugely optomistic about this … but I have learnt to never be hopeful.